When you’re loving someone with addiction, one of the most painful and confusing behaviors you may face is dishonesty. Lying, hiding, and broken promises can erode trust, deepen hurt, and create constant tension in your relationship.
While these behaviors may feel personal, they are often symptoms of a deeper struggle. Beneath the deception lies a hijacked brain operating in survival mode, prioritizing continued substance use or addictive behaviors over honesty or connection.
Understanding this dynamic is key to responding effectively. You don’t have to excuse the behavior to recognize it as part of the disease. What you can do is learn to set firm, compassionate boundaries that protect both your emotional health and the possibility of healing. When approached with both clarity and care, these moments can become turning points instead of breaking points.
Dr. Jason Powers explains why lying is so common in addiction, how to distinguish compassion from enabling, and a step-by-step guide to responding effectively. We’ll also share sample dialogue you can adapt, along with self-care strategies and signs it’s time to bring in professional help. By the end, you’ll be better equipped to protect your own well-being while still keeping hope alive for their recovery.
Why Lying Happens in Addiction
For someone in active addiction, using the substance or engaging in the behavior often feels like survival. Lying becomes a way to avoid consequences and preserve access to what they believe they need. Over time, dishonesty becomes a habit, not just with others but with themselves. Many convince themselves they’re in control or that things aren’t as bad as they appear.
Even though addiction plays a big role in why someone lies, they’re still responsible for their actions. Most people can tell the difference between telling the truth and lying, especially when they’re sober or thinking clearly. Holding space for both the influence of the disease and the reality of personal choice is essential for your response.
Responding with Boundaries, Not Reactivity
When you discover a lie, take a moment before reacting. It’s natural to feel hurt or angry, but a pause gives you time to reflect and approach the situation with more clarity. When you do speak, use calm and direct language. Focus on how the behavior affects you, not on labeling the person. For example, say, “I feel hurt when I notice things that don’t add up,” rather than, “You’re lying again.”
Follow with a clear boundary. Boundaries are not threats. They are decisions you make to protect your peace and emotional safety. Expect pushback. You may be met with anger, denial, or guilt trips. This is common and doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. Remain steady, knowing you are protecting your well-being, not punishing the other person.
Compassion Without Enabling
It’s possible to love someone and still say no. Many people fall into the trap of enabling, where they try to protect the person from consequences by covering up the truth, paying off debts, or tolerating behavior that causes harm. This often delays the need for change and can make things worse.
Compassion means caring for someone while also telling the truth and protecting yourself. It’s okay to say, “I’m here for you if you want help,” while also refusing to participate in destructive patterns. At Positive Recovery Centers, we work with families to find this balance through therapy, education, and support services that help everyone move forward.
How to Care for Yourself When Loving Someone with Addiction
Loving someone with addiction can take a toll on your health and emotional stability. That’s why self-care is essential. Consider joining a support group like Al-Anon, speaking with a therapist, or taking time away from the relationship if needed. Activities like journaling, exercise, and spending time with supportive friends can help you recharge and regain clarity.
You don’t have to solve the problem on your own. The stronger and more centered you are, the better you’ll be able to respond with love, strength, and boundaries.
If the dishonesty becomes harmful, abusive, or persistent, it may be time to seek professional support. Family therapists, addiction counselors, or intervention specialists can help you navigate tough conversations and set boundaries that are both healthy and effective.
Not Sure Where to Turn and Need Support?
At Positive Recovery Centers, we understand how difficult it can be to love someone who is struggling with addiction. The emotional toll, the uncertainty, and the constant question of what to do next can feel overwhelming.
Our approach to care is rooted in compassion, evidence-based practices, and the belief that recovery involves the entire support system. Whether you need help setting healthy boundaries, navigating tough conversations, or simply finding peace in your role, we offer individualized support tailored to your unique situation. From family counseling and educational resources to treatment planning and long-term support, our team is ready to help.
Recovery is a shared process, and you don’t have to face it alone. Addiction is often referred to as a family disease. The beautiful thing is that when one person heals, we all heal together. If you’re feeling stuck, scared, or unsure of how to help without losing yourself in the process of loving someone with addiction, we are here to walk alongside you, every step of the way.